Is there more to communication than words and tone of voice? Written by Brendan Mooney Psychologist
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Words are important for obvious reasons, for example they support us to articulate what we want to say to each other on a daily basis and can carry significant meaning such as the word 'love'. In addition to the words we use, tone of voice is often seen as equal to if not more important. For example, when it comes to confrontational situations people are generally recommended to talk in a calm voice and not raise their voice as this could escalate the person who is being reactive.
However is there something even more impactful than both of these factors when we hear someone speak, sing or communicate in any way?
Could it be that the quality in the way we speak or express has the potential to denigrate or diminish another even when our tone of voice may sound good to the human ear?
Take for example the situation where you can be completely enraged with someone yet speak to them in a calm, soft voice. If we do this then what is really being communicated because if the hatred is there then it does not disappear just because we have lowered the volume of our voice. Perhaps this explains why a person's words can sometimes feel like a slap in the face or a punch in the guts even if they are talking to us in a quietly spoken, nice, polite or courteous way.
Hence do we sometimes deliberately change the tone of our voice to disguise how we are really feeling?
In our society so long as a person does not say inappropriate words and the volume and tone of their voice is within acceptable levels then this is considered acceptable. Though are we not placing greater emphasis on how a conversation looks and sounds rather than how it feels? In other words, are we not saying it does not matter what is truly going on so long as it looks the part on the outside?
Conversation should not be a polished act that attempts to hide the real unresolved emotional issues underneath. Whilst unleashing our reactions on people like yelling or screaming does not work either, masking how we feel is equally if not more dishonest for we are deliberately concealing how we are really feeling and presenting a false narrative that communicates that all is well when clearly it is not.
For example, a person can say ‘I love you’ using a soft tone but does that mean that what they are saying is true? The answer is not necessarily because we have examples of ‘I love you’ being expressed softly whilst the person at the same time is having an affair with someone else, even if only inside the fantasy of their own mind. So clearly words and tone are not the be all and end all when it comes to communication and expression.
The key point to all of the above is that words and tone are insufficient to truly understand what a person is communicating. We must also feel what the person is expressing because this is what gives away everything. Whilst we can train ourselves to say all the right words with all the right tones, this means nothing in the end if the way we speak does not feel true. And what feels true can only ever come from walking our talk, in other words living what we are expressing.
We are deeply sensitive by nature and hence we are easily able to detect whether a person is being genuine and sincere, well beyond the words they use or the volume they express them in which can often be a dead give-away of justification rather than a direct expression of how they feel.
If we keep trying to improve conversations the way we often do we will continue to foster a society that looks and sounds good but actually does not feel true, that is, has no integrity where our words match our true intent. For example, as parents if we are react to our children mucking up and then speak to them in a quiet tone this does not change the fact that we are reacting because we have not dealt with our reaction we have merely turned down the volume of our voice. What message does this send to our children about how to express? Are we not teaching them to express dishonestly?
In this article three factors have been identified when it comes to speech: (1) the words being used; (2) the tone in which the words are expressed; and (3) the way the words feel when they are expressed. Generally in society we focus much more on the first two factors when it is the third factor that actually gives away more information about the person than the other two factors combined. In other words, the sound in the way someone speaks does not merely refer to the volume or intonation used but communicates a certain quality that can be described.
Unfortunately though we live in a world whereby one can use the right words with the right tone and effectively get away with anything. Great examples of this are many politicians who have trained themselves to be super slick with the first two factors even though what they are expressing feels completely off, that is, there is no integrity of them walking their talk. For example, a politician saying they are pro gay marriage whilst personally having an issue with homosexuality.
This article is not saying that words and tone are not important, for absolutely they are. However they are not the full story and much that is being communicated in society is not being named which allows many devious intents to continue occurring because our society says that it is acceptable so long as a person is doing factor one and two.
For how long we accept our current standard of communication is up to us. However, by making life about factors one and two we will continue to be caught out in conversations whereby sometimes we might read it correctly and other times we will not. This is because we are perceiving life based on what is occurring on the outside which will always leave us short of the true representation in the way someone is communicating. We are far wiser than we often tend to appreciate and it is simply a matter of giving ourselves permission to voice what we can feel which will always encompass far more than the mere externalised expression.
More will be written in an upcoming series of articles on this topic. If you would like to read more be sure to subscribe to receive email updates.
