Rewarded for being hurt Written by Brendan Mooney Psychologist
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Have you:
Had the experience of someone being nice to you but then afterwards you felt ‘smashed’ from the conversation?
Ever been angry with someone but instead of talking to them about the issue directly you changed the subject to something else?
Ever felt sad but instead of crying you just ‘got on with it’?
Been frustrated at someone but instead of yelling at them in that moment you calmly sat down and read a book or done some other more pleasant activity?
No doubt we can all relate to at least some of the above examples, and there are many more that could be described. All of these examples are to do with emotions and how we often manage our emotions on an every day basis.
Experiencing emotions is an internal process first and foremost, then they can have an outward expression that either ‘matches’ what is going on inside or may conversely be in direct opposition to it. As the above examples show, we can be angry at someone and yet not show it on the outside. But does that mean we are not angry anymore? Not if the emotion inside, in this case anger, has not been addressed.
The world we live in encourages the disguising of our emotional reactions because essentially so long as we behave in a ‘socially acceptable way’ we will be accepted by society. Whist the societal rules of what is deemed ‘socially acceptable’ may not be overtly stated, they are there nonetheless. As children we learn what these rules and regulations are that govern our society and this is how we know what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviour is not. We also learn that it is only when our outside behaviours, mannerisms and/or expressions are no longer socially-acceptable that society will likely intervene in some way, such as chucking a tantrum like a two year old would do in the middle of a shopping centre.
What has this got to do with the psychology of sound, you might ask? Well the same phenomena occurs in the way we play musical instruments or produce music. For example, a person can feel angry on the inside and instead of yelling at someone they can pick up an instrument and start playing music. But does the anger magically disappear and/or the issue that led to the anger resolve? Perhaps the musician would claim to not feel angry anymore after playing their instrument, instead describing they feel calm, relaxed, relieved or something similar. Though what has really occurred here? Has the musician in this case resolved their anger issue or merely found a way to relieve themselves of their symptoms?
Addressing an underlying issue vs. relieving ourselves of the symptoms of an issue are two different things. When we address an issue we eradicate it completely however relief offers a reduction of symptoms whilst the underlying issue remains unaddressed, albeit to re-surface again at some point in the future.
The reality is that for many children growing up, hurt such as not feeling adored, feeling rejected, neglected and/or not considered is either not acknowledged or not fully addressed by the adults around them. Furthermore, for many children crying is not socially acceptable and some may be directly told to 'harden up'. Hence a child learns that they are not allowed to express their hurt by crying but they work out that if they pick up a musical instrument and start playing it they get positive attention! Not all children will be given attention for playing a musical instrument, instead the attention might favour other pursuits such as sport or theatre. Essentially though, a child learns that society rewards talent.
Hence the child learns that they are allowed, in fact rewarded, for expressing their hurt through, in this case, a musical instrument. In other words the hurt which was once deemed socially unacceptable now becomes an asset because their music is now recognised by others as 'emotive' or even 'soulful', hence the child is actually rewarded for not resolving their hurt. As a result the child may continue to develop their talent of playing a musical instrument whilst the motive to resolve their hurt is no longer the desired goal, ultimately resulting in the talented but hurt adult. There are many cases of famous musicians who express their hurt through music and the impact of this on their personal lives can be easily seen despite being greatly rewarded for their talent in the form of money, accolades and/or prestige of some kind.
Because there are many adults with unresolved hurt, we feel soothed by the fact that another can play a song that we can relate to (in other words, hurt meeting hurt). We find comfort in knowing that we are not alone in feeling hurt. However none of this actually resolves hurt it just gives us relief and comfort in the fact that we are not alone in having unresolved hurt as adults. For example, being dumped, cheated on, lied to, betrayed, let down, someone not reciprocating our adoration, feeling isolated and alone - music covers every base of emotional hurt we could imagine and/or experience.
The reality is that if a person sat on a stage and cried for two hours they would not be so popular, however if they play an instrument in hurt people may pay a lot of money to come and see them because of course we can all relate to being hurt.
So what are we really reinforcing here when we encourage people to express their unresolved emotional issues via a more socially acceptable medium? Whilst developing a talent is fine, what of the emotional issues that are not being addressed? Are we a society that does not care enough to support people to resolve their emotional issues so long as we are entertained?
Does singing about a hurt really change anything or does it just perpetuate the cycle of blame towards another person who so-called caused the hurt, a position that keeps us in the disempowerment of not taking responsibility for our part in things. As the adage goes 'it takes two to tango'.
This article is not suggesting that emotions are bad for they are part of human life. However it is our habit of using unresolved emotional issues to make a life for ourself that is unhealthy for this results in these issues going unaddressed which impacts our lives in many ways though this will not be so easily admitted if the reward for holding onto them is great. For what would many of our musicians sound like without their unresolved issues? Would we still be interested in listening to them?
Is it possible for music to be truly healing and inspiring? Absolutely yes. Although the reality is that music is often used as a platform to essentially tell the world about all of your unresolved issues however this is not necessarily a truly healthy or useful thing if wellbeing and sustained quality of life is the goal.
We are here to support each other to deal with our unresolved emotional issues, not just reward clever ways to express them. Whilst we may find comfort in relating to each other’s emotional issues, this will never truly resolve them. As a society are we ready to foster and encourage talent but not if it means avoiding dealing with our stuff?
More will be written in an upcoming series of articles on this topic. If you would like to read more be sure to subscribe to receive email updates.
